I Need You So, That I Could Die
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Ever since Amy started dating Reagan, Karma has been having these dreams...


_*had a short second for karmy last night… I miss them so much…*_

**I Need You So, That I Could Die**

_*whenever i want you all i have to do is dreaaammm*_

**You brushed a warm hand to my neck, pulling me close. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to touch me everywhere.**

"**Please," I begged, whispering in my own desperation. You were still too far gone, somewhere else. **

**I knew you'd just been with her. But, I was with you now.**

"**Amy," I begged, trying to get you to hold me.**

"**I want to, I just…" You moved out of bed and got up. Walking to your dresser you began to dress. You were leaving me.**

"**Amy?" **

**The more I asked and pleaded and wanted and reached for you, the more you seemed to fade away and lose interest in me…**

**I woke again, sweaty, thirsty, dread and guilt swallowing me up into a cloud of invisible heat.**

"**Karma?" My mom's voice called from downstairs.**

**Before I could respond you opened the door.**

"**Hey!" You said.**

"**Amy?! Shit!" I yelled, turning from you as if I was still naked.**

"**Oh, sorry! What?" You turned away and I noticed myself. I had clothes on now. I wasn't naked at all.**

"**Wha-ah, nothing, sorry. You just surprised me."**

"**It's not like you're naked right?!" You laughed, that cute adorable laugh.**

"**Right," I half smiled, avoiding your eyes. **

**I got up and slid towards the dresser. You sat on my bed. I knew you were bouncing on it happily. You always did that in my room. Eventhough you hadn't been in my room much at all lately.**

"**You okay?"**

"**Just a dream," I huffed.**

"**Oh? Anything good?"**

"**Um… Yeah," I exhaled, feeling dizzy. I pulled my shirt off and heard you gasp a little behind me. I turned around holding my chest. My face smiled just thinking of how you still might want me that way.**

"**What is it?" I asked… Just wishing, like an asshole, that it was those feelings still, those feelings from before.**

"**Oh… Nothing," you blushed, looking down at your hands.**

"**You're cute," I said, blushing to myself as I let my breasts go and put my bra on. I knew you weren't looking any more. You were too good to me. Always too good. You'd never maliciously steal a look or treat me like an object.**

"**What did you dream?" You asked. So serious it almost scared me.**

"**I don't think I should say." Slowly, after some hesitation, I pulled a shirt up over my head and then down. Telling you I was dreaming about missing you? That just didn't seem right. You were with Reagan now. You were happy. Healthy. For once I wasn't fucking up your life. **

**Even if I did want you…. I wasn't good enough. Not for you…**

"**Karma?"**

"**Yeah?" I asked, pulling a skirt up over my waist and zipping it on the side over my hip. When I turned to you, you let out a big breathe. It was like you were happy to see me looking at you. I knew that feeling, I'd had it lately every time you really saw me. We'd had so little time now.**

**We used to see each other constantly, every second of every day. Lately though, it'd been a battle just to see or be seen. I couldn't bring it up… Couldn't explain… I wanted you but you wanted someone else. There wasn't anything I could do. I had driven you away, I knew I had.**

"**Are you okay?" You noticed that look on my face. That look I'd been constantly trying not to make. The one that showed exactly how unhappy I'd become since you'd found someone new.**

"**I… Well…" I shrugged. To answer would hurt you. I couldn't answer.**

**You shook your head knowingly. But you didn't really know. Not really.**

"**But you're okay?" I asked, hopefully. I know I wanted to be with you but I could put all that aside for your happiness. All I wanted was to fix all the things I had broken and all for you.**

"**Sort of…" You said. "I miss you though… Miss us…"**

"**I know," I said, sitting beside you and gathering your hands up into my own. I brushed your hair from your face and noticed the ways your eyes shut when I adored you like I used to. "I don't think I've ever missed you this much…"**

"**What's wrong with us?" You asked, smiling all the while.**

"**We love each other? It's complicated?" I smiled sweetly, like I used to. We had always been so loving… Even before…**

"**God…" You exhaled, smiling despite maybe wanting to cry.**

"**You've been in my dreams," I said. I hadn't planned on telling you but now you were saying these things. Plus it wasn't like you to be here. You'd been so busy with Reagan and you hadn't had a second of time for me.**

"**Really?"**

"**I miss you so much, I dream about you almost every night… All the time…" I confessed. I didn't have to tell you what the dreams were about… I didn't have to tell you that I was always wanting you to touch me, always wanting you to hold me and kiss me and tell me I was the only one.**

**It was like I wanted to be Reagan. It was so strange, all so wrong. You'd hate me if I knew. **

**After everything I put you through…**

"**What do we do in your dreams?" You asked.**

"**Just things," I sighed. It wasn't important. You were my dream. You are my dream. That's all there is too it. **

**I dreamed of you. I want you.**

**I can't tell you. But that's the truth. **

**Even during the day at times I day dream. If I see you in the parking lot with her on lunch my whole body aches. I watch you and just wish… It's like all I can think is: Amy, Amy, Amy… My beautiful girl. My wonderful girl.**

"**You'd tell me if I hurt you?"**

"**Of course," I lied. You'd been hurting me so much lately I had to tell myself to stop irrationally feeling that you could possibly know what I felt.**

"**You've seemed almost sick lately.. Dazed."**

**God, the way you look at me. It was like you still didn't know at all what I constantly felt about you, all the fucking time. **

**Something got between us. We're not the same. It's like we switched places completely. I was in love with you now and you couldn't see me to save your goddamn life.**

**But I deserve it from you. I deserve to be ignored.**

**After everything I put you through?! You need someone like Reagan, someone good.**

"**Karma? You never tell me things anymore."**

"**I don't think I know how," I confess. **

**I let go of you and lay back on the bed. **

**You lay back on top of me and I feel my heart speed up as you touch me.**

"**I miss this," you sigh. **

"**You said that already…" I remind.**

"**Sorry," you say. **

**I was never the one driving you away. You just didn't want to be near me anymore after everything. You were over me now I guess. Done with me.**

**If I thought about it at all I would cry. **

**I couldn't do that anymore. I had to do what you did. Had to try and move on.**

**But the dreams would come no matter how hard I tried to block you out.**

**I wanted you now… It was that plain and that simple.**

**You were with someone but I wanted you.**

"**Do you think we'll ever be normal again?"**

"**I dunno," I breathed out heavily. I wasn't even sure if I wanted us to go back. I used to want to hold you off for a while. I wanted to keep you my friend instead of my one true love. But now something inside of me has completely changed. I actually wanted you to go back to the way you were at the wedding. I wanted to do it all again, all different. I wanted to be able to rewind and know then what I know now. I wanted to kiss you instead of acting strange. I wanted to have you, jump off that cliff. I wanted for us to be. If I had kissed you then, truly felt what you were saying… None of this would be the way it was. **

**I sat up suddenly, sick with myself.**

"**School?" You asked.**

"**I guess so," I sighed.**

**I couldn't wait though, to be back home again…**

**All I wanted to do now was dream…**

**I knew as soon as we'd part again I'd go on pretending you were with me, pretending your lips were on my skin and your hands were on my body.**

**It wasn't healthy but I couldn't change a goddamn thing.**

**You deserved to be happy and I couldn't do that for you. I never could…**


End file.
